


Choice is Nice, Being Chosen is Better

by Hermoninny_and_the_Waterbeetles



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 14:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7056412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hermoninny_and_the_Waterbeetles/pseuds/Hermoninny_and_the_Waterbeetles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were two conversations which marked pivotal points in Peter Pettigrew's war. One in 1977, with Remus, and one in 1981, about him.</p><p>Are there any choices in war? Or is it simply a matter of being chosen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1977

"Remus, you awake?"

There was something special about a whisper from a friend in the dark. No matter how tired you are you suddenly become alert. No matter how dreadful you know the conversation is going to be there is a large part of you that enjoys being chosen to have it.

"Yeah, what's up?"  
"Can we talk?" asked Peter, "you know... somewhere else?"  
"Sure."

They got up and crept through the darkness, Remus opening the door carefully, quietly, and Peter closing it behind them, front teeth biting into his lower lip. The walked a little more freely downstairs, neither one saying anything until they got into the common room. The fire had died down to a few cinders, so Remus pinched a candle from a windowsill and brought it over to the table closes to the hearth.

"Incendio," he said, and Peter's shadowed face was illuminated in a warm flickering light, "so... what's up?"

Peter almost wished Remus hadn't lit the candle, it would be so much harder to say this when he could see Remus's face, the shadows under his eyes, the slight fever-flush on his pale cheeks.

"I'm scared," he said, forcing the words out with a breath.

Remus nodded understandingly.

"We all are," he said, "everyone who's got any sense anyway."  
"But I'm really scared," said Peter, trying to make Remus understand, "Not even of You Know Who, well, obviously of You Know Who but also just... I don't to fight."  
"Then don't," said Remus, leaning forward in his chair so that the candle lit up his face even clearer, "No one's forcing you to fight Wormtail, Dumbledore will understand."  
"James and Sirius won't," mumbled Peter.  
"It's not James and Sirius's decision."  
"James said it wasn't a decision at all."  
"Well James is James," smiled Remus, "you know how he is when he's doing something he thinks is right, he thinks the bloody fates have chosen him or something."  
"So... so you think we do have a choice?"  
"We've always got a choice, just because some choices seem trivial to some people that doesn't mean it's not a choice."  
"But you're choosing to fight?"

Remus leant back away from the light and sighed.

"What you've got to remember, Peter, is that I don't have anything else to do once we leave. Joining some mad little army for Dumbledore might just be the most stable career on offer for me," he added, laughing.

Peter clenched his teeth and swallowed.

"But that's not fair is it, you just said there’s always a choice, but now you're saying that I've got a choice but you haven't, and that’s what James meant wasn't it? He meant that some people don't have a choice, and that means none of us have."  
"Come on Peter, you know better than to listen to James when he gets all high minded and ideological. And I never said I didn't have a choice, sure, maybe I don't have as much choice as some people but I could still decide to do nothing, Merlin I could still decide to join Voldemort, enough of my kind have."  
"You never would though."  
"Yeah, but that's my choice. People choose to join Voldemort every day, just look at Sirius's brother. Not joining Voldemort is already a brave choice Peter, not everyone's cut out for fighting."

Peter nodded, staring into the candle.

"I'm a coward," he said, after a long moment.  
"No," said Remus, "No, absolutely not."  
"Yes I am, I know I am. Listen to me! I'm here telling you I'm scared of fighting and you're telling me that's okay even though no matter what you'll be in far more danger than me."  
"Well that's just it isn't it," said Remus, the slightest hint of irritation creeping into his voice, "I've got less to lose haven't I? It's an easier choice for me, I've got fewer options and less to lose."

Remus's expression was perfectly level. Peter was supposed to be Remus's best friend, that was how it was supposed to work. James and Sirius were best friends, and him and Remus were best friends, but after all this time he couldn't even read his best friend's face half as well as Sirius or James, he couldn't even bring himself to fight for his best friend even though Sirius and James could. What sort of a best friend was that?

"Do you want me to fight?" asked Peter, he knew it was an unfair question.

Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"No, Peter. I don't want anyone to fight. I don't want to fight myself. I don't want any of this."  
"But you're fighting anyway."  
"Yes, and I've already told you why, I don't know what more you me to say."  
"Sorry."  
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just tired."

Peter had learnt one thing in the nearly seven years of being Remus's best friend, and that was that "I'm just tired" was the staple in Remus Lupin's dictionary of excuses. "I'm just tired" was first and foremost a routine substitute for "I don't feel well", but it could also mean "I'm in a bad mood and there's nothing you can do about it" or "I don't want to get into this can we please drop it", but Peter had the strong suspicion that this time "I'm just tired" meant "I'm tired of this Peter, I'm tired of comforting you, I'm tired of making you feel better about your shitty decision", and Peter knew he was right.

"No," he said, "you're right to snap a me, I don't know what I wanted to hear but I reckon if I needed someone else to make me feel okay about not fighting that means I knew it was the wrong choice."

Remus took his hand away from his face and looked at Peter, the level expression back again, waiting for Peter to say more before he showed any response.

"It's good to know I'm not the only one that's scared at least."

He offered a tentative smile, which Remus returned.

Yes, it felt nice being chosen


	2. 1981

"No, I don't believe it."  
"I don't want to believe it either James but we have to."  
"No we don't, look, we know Remus."  
"We knew Remus," said Sirius, "these days he's like a different person."  
"The war’s getting to him."  
"I think there's something else, someone else, getting to him. Remember James, I've seen this happen before. I didn't want to believe it about Regulus but I should have done, I should have realised earlier, if I had then maybe I could have stopped him. If we accept this now then maybe we won't be too late for Remus, but our priority has to be keeping Harry safe."  
"I know," said James, "I know we need to put Harry first and I know that you've been through this before but is Remus really going down the same road as Regulus?"  
"First comes resignation, giving up the fight, walking around like a zombie..."  
"He hasn't given up, he's just... losing his energy, we all are."  
"Then comes the quietness, spending too much time alone, or supposedly alone, eventually getting so quiet he seems almost calm, even when he's hearing the names of the dead rattled off at Order meetings... especially then."  
"Remus has always been like that, it's his defence mechanism."  
"Then finally he gets a new sort of determination. It comes out of the quietness. He'll do anything anyone asks of him without fuss because he knows he's got his own purpose that's bigger than anything else... he knows he's been chosen."

James opened his mouth to protest but closed it again, images boiling up in his mind…  
Remus coming home from missions with death in his eyes, going straight to his room and staying there for days. Remus at order meetings, staring at the wall, his forehead slightly creased in concentration in that very Remus way of his. Remus on the battlefield... calm and composed... was it because every battle they lost had really gone exactly the way Remus had wanted?

"What do you think Peter?" he asked heavily.  
Peter, who had been watching the exchange wordlessly, looked taken aback.  
"You... you want to know what I think?"  
"You're supposed to be his best friend," said James.  
"I... I dunno..."

Sirius exhaled loudly and shook his head.

"... but he did say something to me once," Peter added, hesitantly, "something that seemed a bit... off..."  
"What?" asked Sirius.  
"It was way back when we were still at Hogwarts, just after Dumbledore had told us about the Order. We were talking about it and... and I mean it could be nothing, or maybe I got the wrong end of the stick..."  
"Just spit it out Peter," said Sirius.  
"Well, you know how when we were all talking about it and we were deciding whether or not we were going to say yes, and James, you said it wasn't a matter of choice, you said fighting was the only option. Well later on, that night actually, while you two were asleep, he told me I shouldn't listen to you when you get all 'high minded and ideological', he said there was always a choice, he was talking about choosing not to fight... he even... I mean it seemed like a joke at the time… kind of… you know how Remus can tell some pretty dark jokes when he wants to..."  
"What did he say?" asked James.

Funny, it was Remus who taught Peter how to lie. He could remember it clearly to this day...

_"There are basically two types of lies, short term and long term, and you've to approach them in different ways. So, say if I need to explain why I'm out of bounds, I only need a lie that'll give me long enough to get out of there, what matters is that they've got to instantly believe it, even if they doubt it later on, so I might say I'm doing a detention, and to make it believable when I hear the teacher coming I'll start cleaning a picture frame or something and just act like I'm not expecting to get told off. It's all about being quick and being casual. Long term lies are kind of the opposite, whatever story you make up you're stuck with it forever so you've got to be bloody careful, and you've got to know your stuff. Like when I have to skip lessons after the full moon, I don't just pluck my excuses out of nowhere, there are loads of books in the library on medicine and stuff, so I look in there and I find symptoms for illnesses that are nothing to do with lycanthropy. That's the secret really, no matter what lie you tell, if you want it to stick it has to be based on a grain of truth, change a couple of details and the truth can sometimes be the best lie there is."_

"He said” continued Peter, “that he could even choose to join You-Know-Who." 

James's face fell, and Sirius's drew in on itself. 

Was he sorry? Yes, he supposed so, but Remus had been the one who laid it all out for him. Remus had taught him how to lie, Remus had given him a choice, but then Remus had also been the one who had forced him to pick a side. And besides, Peter had never really been Remus's best friend, he was supposed to be, but he wasn't. They were only really best friends by default, because neither of them were good enough to be James or Sirius's best friend. 

After a lifetime of being second best there was one thing Sirius had gotten right in his little speech... 

It felt nice to be chosen. 


End file.
